I don’t know how long I had been at sea. The moments had begun to smear together, blurring into a haze of misery and loneliness. I could not tell you the difference between seconds or hours, since time has no meaning when one is adrift. And while my mind suffered greatly from my circumstances, my body fared no better. My skin had become soggy, carved into intricate layers and folds by the water which surrounded me. The flesh that normally glowed with youth and health had been reduced to a pale and tattered tapestry, swelling with liquid. And the Cold! Heavens, the Cold! When I had first made the mistake of venturing into the water, the waves had been warm and inviting against my hide. But then the temperature began to drop, declining steadily (as did my condition). At one period there were these white…things! Floating all around the surface! Everywhere that I looked! I envision a similar object causing the famous Titanic to meet her fate in the icy grip of the Atlantic. Perhaps I am one of the lucky ones.
Directly before I returned to solid ground, there was a Great Rain. It came down suddenly and with fervor, pelting my tired skin with fat droplets of water. Irritating as it may have been in the beginning, the Rain soon became warm. Comforting. It even dispelled the icebergs that surrounded me, steadily beating them into oblivion. I sang praises as the torrent fell down upon me, rinsing me clean of what I had endured. And then the glorious, glorious land. My feet fell upon the soil and the water receded from me, leaving my skin tingling with the absence of its embrace. But somewhere on my journey my clothes had been reduced to little more than a mound of worthless threads. And so I took my feeble first steps towards freedom (my legs were no longer accustomed to the earth) stark naked. The wind was bracing, raising goosebumps along the tissue covering my legs and arms. I sought shelter on my new land, searching for something with which to cover myself. But what I found was far from a new wardrobe.
The Beast stood before me, taller than I could ever have imagined. Its round body sat on eight spindly legs that stretched out in every direction. Its face was covered in sinister, shining eyes that were little more than glass bubbles of nothingness and fear. Fangs hung low from its wretched jaws, and they rubbed together roughly in the delight of an easy meal. I could almost hear the sickening creaks as the monster angled its carapace to better face me for the impending battle, for I was not to be devoured without a brilliant fight. At first I felt nothing but fear, sweeping down from my brain and along my spine, pressing heat into my senses. There were snaps and sparks along the synapses in my body as they sent jolts into my still-pruned fingers. A familiar thud against my sternum told the tale of my frantically beating heart. The Beast was blocking my path entirely! On one side a mountain wall, jutting steep and far into the Heavens. And on the other side there was a cliff that led to a pit straight into the belly of Hell itself. I could turn and run, flee back into the arms of the sea… But what more could the water hold for me? The Beast took a lumbering step forward, gnashing its teeth to release a deafening din. Beyond the arachnid I suddenly saw civilization! A way back to the world of people and land and far from endless waters and vile spiders! To reach this utopia I knew I would have to defeat the monster.
My eyes were wide as they searched the area for any sort of useful item. I found a stick- rather substantial in girth and quite sharp on one end. It seemed to be my only option, and so I took up the crude weapon and thrust it wildly at the creature (who had closed some of the distance between the two of us). At first the arachnid recoiled, taking measured steps in reverse and bunching up its gangly legs. But then the monster reared up! It held itself like a charging stallion, slashing through the air with ferocious limbs. I yelled at the demon, hoping to force it over the edge of the cliff and back home to the devil. But alas, it was no good. The Beast was unphased by my noises and it continued to tread towards me slowly, it's eyes glinting with madness and hunger.
‘Twas at this time that my mind began formulating final prayers to offer before the Good Lord. It seemed as though this creature would best me, and my resting place would be near the sea. No sooner had these words formed in the recesses of my skull, than I spotted a canister off to the side. It was very large, vibrant purple in color and weathered by the humid air. Perhaps it floated in on the tide? However it managed to come resting at my feet I do not care, because without that canister I may not have gotten the opportunity to share this story.
My hands were quick to find the cylinder and remove it of its lid. The Beast made an awful sound and lurched forward, spraying saliva onto the earth below us. But I hefted the container up and released a vile chemical spray into the face of the hellion. How justifying it was! A foul material rushed forth, lacing itself over the spider with a sticky film. The irony! It was worth the scare to watch this creature suffocate and struggle against an adherent material so similar to its own web! The monster bellowed and flailed, but I did not curb the flow of the chemical. No, I advanced forward, ushering the Beast towards the cliff! Snarls and growls shattered the air as the vile demon fought against the spray. Two of its many legs soon found the edge of the cliff and I lunged forward with a final burst to send the creature falling over the edge rim. It tumbled and slid far down into the canyon, coming to rest at the mouth of the hole. As the Beast lay dying in its sticky mass of legs and fangs, water came rushing down from above, shoving the arachnid into the pit and far, far away from me.
Then I could finally get my towel and get the heck out of the bathroom. I just hope I remember to get more hairspray at the store.
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