12 steps to get ready for your first tattoo

I’m all about tattoos. I think everyone should have at least one. If you don’t know me well enough to know that, then you’ll probably get a taste of it in more than a few of my blog posts. But let’s say you don’t have any ink yet. Maybe you’re considering getting some. Hooray! (As long as you’re going to a reputable parlor and not your cousin Jimmy’s basement.) In case you want to mentally prepare yourself for your first tattoo, I’ve compiled this handy list of things to do beforehand.

1.)  Clear five hours of your schedule. Then tell your loved ones (parents especially) that you’re planning on getting a tattoo. Use the previously allotted five hours to allow them to lecture, moan, complain, beg, yell, and throw things until they run out of steam. It won’t be the last time that you hear about it, but it helps to prepare you for the future arguments. Isn’t self-expression fun?

2.)   Go to Pinterest. Browse at least 10,000 designs. Pin 5,000 of them, and then sort those into the top 100. Take a Sharpie and take turns drawing each design on the body part that you want tattooed. Wear each one for at least three days. No showers in between!  Stare at yourself in all the mirrors that you pass. Take lots of selfies to ensure that the new ink will fit your style. After you decide which design you like the best, you’re allowed to take a bath.

3.)   Buy a large canvas. Take it to a local painter. Give him or her $500, but ask him or her to paint it in stages, starting with only lines first. Take it home and hang it on your wall. Invite people over. Don’t punch them when they ask questions and you have to explain repeatedly that it’s not finished.

4.)   Find a clean shop. If all they want to do is designs from the wall, that's not the place for you. If you wouldn’t eat off of all of the surfaces in the shop, turn around and find another. Look for/ask to see their certifications. I mean, you wouldn’t let some scrub operate on you without a medical degree, would you? Say no to scratchers!

5.)  Go buy a cactus and some itching cream. Spread that cream all over your arm (or shoulder, foot, wherever you plan to get the tattoo). When you start to itch, repeatedly beat the affected area with the cactus. NOTE: If you’re not breaking the skin, you’re not doing it hard enough! Repeat this for about three hours. If you cannot find a cactus, then get yourself a cardboard box. Cut a hole in the box big enough to fit your arm through. Insert a wet, feral cat and let it shred your arm for a couple of hours. After you’re finished, use steel wool to apply Vaseline to the wound. Congratulations, you can handle the pain of a tattoo!

6.)  Take the painting back to the artist. Let them do the second session of the painting and return it to your wall. Endure at least three more weeks of weird looks from your friends. By now you’ll probably be explaining that it isn’t finished before they even speak. Learn to love it.

7.)  If there’s any skin left from the cactus/cat incident, expose that area to blistering sunlight for at least six hours. Reapply the itching cream. You are not allowed to scratch, only slap. Every couple of hours, get the steel wool again and slather some diaper rash ointment on it. Now you’re experiencing the first two days of healing tattoos!

8.) When the sunburn/cactus perforation/cat damage has started to peel and scab, you must RESIST ALL URGES TO PICK IT. Yes, I know, this is the most difficult task so far. Man knows no agony like an itch un-scratched. But I find that repeatedly banging my head against something wooden helps to take off the edge--especially since I usually wake up a couple of hours afterwards. Note that you should use solid wood because particle board may result in face splinters. No one likes face splinters.

9.)  Session three for the canvas painting. At this point, it will be coherent but not quite finished. Three more weeks of questions, odd expressions. You can do it! At least by now it will be obvious how nice the finished work will look. I promise it’s worth it.

10.) Get a T-shirt made that says some highly offensive saying or racist remark. Wear it everywhere. When people give you scowls, return a smile. Be especially ready for old people to glare at you.

12.)  Have the artist finish the painting. Bring over everyone who saw it in progress, and rub it in their faces that the finished piece is absolutely amazing. If it would make you feel better, I wouldn’t blame you for beating them with it. But, of course, I can’t actually condone it. So shame on you!

13.)   Lotion your cactus/cat/sunburn arm frequently. Make sure that you always wear sunscreen or clothes to protect it. Write a quick story on a flashcard and practice explaining the meaning to random strangers. For some reason, it seems as though everyone wants to know the story behind ink. 

Finally, congratulations! If you’ve survived all that, you’re ready to get your first tattoo! And don’t worry. It isn’t half that bad. Well, except for the unfinished canvas bit. That’s the real deal.